I am hoarsely lecturing my ex-girlfriend over the conditions of our dissolution. "You lied about us!" I am trying, desperately, to scream. "You said you just needed some time by yourself!" But every time I get going, new people come in the room to start different conversations with me. "Can't you see we're trying to talk here!" I yelp. A rapid-fire succession of fireworks peals through my neighborhood, followed by the insane regalia of 60,000 pre-game Wahoos, and I am shaken out of my annoying dream cycle by Charlottesville's most sinister curse: football season. It's Saturday morning and the revelers at the Cavaliers' newly expanded stadium-- whatever the fuck they call it now (still home to one of the lamest football teams on the Eastern seaboard)-- have just announced to God and all Creation that yet another tragic waste of time football match is to take place today. Bunch of pussies. What is this barbaric fascination with death sports and college? What does education have to do with sports, anyway? Why do we insist on tying these two dissimilar and all-too contradictory "pass-times" together? It'd be different, if-- like an Ivy league school-- you actually had to get in to the college before you could try out for the team. It would be different if the players actually came from around here. (Some do-- most don't.) It would be different if the U.Va. sports machine wasn't a self-centered 500 pound canary that does as it damn well pleases, while the rest of the University-- dumb stuff like academics and their facilities-- have to "eat cake." What pisses me off is that you can't add a one bedroom addition to a house in this neighborhood without adding parking, but the stadium just expanded by 20,000 seats but only 800 parking spaces. The other 19,000-some-odd cars now park in my neighborhood. What pisses me off is that while the whole city has at least made an effort to paint bike lanes to protect "alternative travelers," the University-- probably the most bike-ridden part of the entire city-- has none. The teams still suck! The Olympics suck! Professional sports are a joke and the people who invest their emotional energy in them are UNEVOLVED DUMBFUCKS: Darwinian cling-ons who insist that guns should never be registered, the war on drugs is somehow good for our children, and that "there's always gonna be somebody who wants to kick your ass and steal your stuff." Catering to these peasants is not helping the collective "we" one iota. Grow up, already. Please. And shut the fuck up. --Cripsy Duck up